Bureaucracy - Manual
Note: I hereby affirm that the word 'bureaucracy' is spelled correctly
throughout this document. Spelling it wrong is punishable by Psychosocial
Rehabilitation Therapy -- up to 30,000 volts.
<< LETTER >>
Happitec -- "We'll bring a smile to your computer"
5 Hippo Vista
Rhinocerous, New Jersey 81818
Dear new employee,
Welcome to Happitec Corporation! As you know, the Happitec motto is "We'll
bring a smile to your computer." We aim to make people happy, and that
includes our employees here at Happitec. You have already learned of the many
benefits we offer you! In turn, we expect you to make us happy by being a
dedicated, responsible employee.
How do you make Happitec happy? No problem! We keep things rolling smoothly
simply by following the rules and regulations set down by our founder and
president, Leo J. Zereb. And to make sure you know every one of these rules
and regulations, we're sending you to a special training seminar at Happitec
International Headquarters in Paris, France!
That's right, you're going on a two-week, all-expenses-paid trip to Paris,
courtesy of Happitec. You'll enjoy a six-day training seminar with experienced
Happitec staff members. Then you'll thrill to a full week of fun in the City
of Lights! And that's not all! You'll also get $75 spending money! Does that
put a great big Happitec smile on your face, new employee?
The $75 money order is in the mail to your new home. To obtain your airline
ticket, simply take this letter to your travel agency. Then you're on your
way to Paris! Be sure to be on time for your flight. We've found that new
employees who miss the training seminar usually aren't very happy at Happitec.
See you at the office!
The Happitec Corporation
<< POPULAR PARANOIA MAGAZINE >>
Every month, Popular Paranoia gives you something new to worry about!
Entertainment: What you do on the weekend could kill you! Did you know that
students who exchange digital watches with multiple partners increase their
chances of contracting bubonic plague by 300% ? Find out how to protect
Food: You won't be surprised to learn that YOGURT is the breeding ground for
most major diseases. We'll examine dented cans, unwashed bakery attendants,
lima beans, lard, salad bars, and a host of other potential hazards.
Surveillance: Government agencies use a veritable army of surveillance
methods, many of them masquerading under the guise of public services. We'll
tell you how TRAFFIC HELICOPTERS follow your daily activities, phone taps
monitor your conversations, and cable tv threatens your home privacy.
Medicine: Your child's teeth are only inches away from his brain. But have
you ever considered what happens each time the dentist gives him a shot of
NOVOCAINE? We'll show you why it's wrong to trust doctors, medicines,
hospitals, and anything else that tries to tamper with your body.
How Do They Learn So Much About You? When you find your GARBAGE cans over-
turned and the plastic bags ripped open, you probably think some dog or
raccoon has been sniffing out a snack. Well, think again. Your garbage
contains personal information ranging from your bank and utility account
numbers to your consumer preferences and private correspondence. We'll teach
you how to keep your garbage safe from prying eyes, including a rundown of
alarm systems and incineration methods.
Lethal Chemicals From A to Z:We ingest dozens of chemicals daily in our air,
food, water, and personal products. Fluoride mottles our teeth, ASPARTAME
destroys valuable body fat, fluorocarbons ravage the ozone layer. This handy
tear-out guide will keep you on the alert.
American Gothic: A terrifying tour of the 50 states. Are you aware that OHIO
is the center of communist insurgency in the United States? Have you
discovered that DELAWARE is a fiction invented by the Trilateral Commission
for its own nefarious purposes? You'll learn the facts you need to know to
combat the powers seeking to overwhelm you.
The Numbers Game: The number of letters in your name reveals more than you
imagine. People with 3 letters in their name bring good luck, since luck
comes in threes. Those with 6 letters in their first, middle, and last names,
such as Daniel Miguel Ortega, Dwight Eugene Gooden, Johnny Herman Carson, and
Ronald Wilson Reagan, are a menace to all around them, since 666 is the
Number of the Beast. Learn what your name reveals in this upcoming feature.
Rooting Out Queen Mum: An exclusive, behind-the-scenes look at their leader,
the fiendish QUEEN MUM.
The Powerful NFL: A stunning expose of a powerful leftist organization. Did
you know that an NFL game pre-empted the televised announcement of a
coup d'etat directly after the Kennedy assassination? The coup was foiled,
and decades of crypto-communist government ensued.
Insect Warfare: Mosquitoes injected with encephalitis virus, KILLER BEES
unleashed by vengeful Mexicanos, black widow eggs hidden in your junk mail.
South American insectologist Jose Santa Fe reveals the secrets of insect
warfare and tells you how to protect yourself.
They're On Your Trail: AUTOMATIC TELLER MACHINES are but one method banks use
to track and control American citizens. They've made you dependent on them.
You can break free! Find out everything you need to know about home safes,
full cash purchases, printing your own checks, and more.
Goodbye, Sonny: The GI BILL gave veterans the chance to go away to college and
buy their own homes, without a thought to the parents left behind. Editor
Harold Regan examines the ultimate cost of this communist-inspired plot against
the American family.
<< APPLICATION FORM FOR BETTER BEEZER CARD >>
<< FILLMORE FIDUCIARY TRUST -- EST. 1907 >>
(3 copies: white, yellow and pink)
Answer questions 1-20 using the #2 pencil provided. Do NOT write in shaded
areas. Answer questions 1-16 only.
Please tell us about yourself (type or use black ink only)
1. Last Name: 2. First Name:
3. Date of birth (day/year/month): 5. Age (in months):
6. Present ZIP code: 7. Present address (number, street, city, state):
8. Previous address:
9. Number of children (including spouse):
Please tell us about your work and finances (use a #4 pencil only)
10. Employer's name: 11. Years at current job:
13. Primary annual income: $ Explain:
14. Bank Name: 14a. Account Number:
14b. Type of account(s): [Checking] [Savings] [Other]
15. Check one: [Own home] [Own condo/co-op] [Rent] [Other]
16. Assets (Check all you own, except as checked in question 15):
[Auto (see question 6)] [Stereo] [Home]
[Major appliances] [VCR] [TV: circle one: Color/Black-and-white]
17. Second co-mortgagee of subscriber's trustee (including first part; use
other side if necessary):
If none, give alternate and explain:
Please sign this authorization.
By signing below I hereby authorize Beezer International to check my credit
history and permanent record. If I am issued a second Beezer card I authorize
Beezer International to exchange information about my account with credit
bureaus and institutions doing business in North America, Europe, Asia, South
America, Australia, Africa, Antarctica, Guam, or elsewhere, or with any
persons that Beezer International may so choose, from time to time, without
recourse. By signing below, I hereby absolve Beezer International of any
misrepresentations of fact about my account, and I agree to pay for any
charges which are billed to my account by Beezer International or its
employees. I understand that failure to answer questions 4 and 12 invalidates
Answer questions 1-20 using the black pen provided. Write ONLY in the shaded
areas. Answer questions 1-15 only.
Please tell us about yourself (use a #2 pencil only)
1. First Name: 2. Last Name:
3. Today's date (month/year/day): 5. Annual income: $
6. Present city: 7. Previous address �
Typed by Zarf