© 1988 Rainbird
To load the adventure, install your game disk in drive A and double-click
on the icon titled "GAME.TOS". Please ensure that the disk remains in the
drive at all times (unless temporarily removed for saving and loading games
onto another disk).
Once loaded you will notice that the screen is split into three sections.
The top line contains the following information:
The top left is the name of the room that you are currently in.
The first figure on the right is your score.
The second figure on the right is the number of moves you have made.
The second section is the Graphics window, which is where the pictures are
displayed. Below the picture you will find four scrolls. These scrolls
are activated in the following fashion:
1. Move the mouse over the scroll you wish to pull down.
2. Click once on the left hand button.
3. Select the command you require using the mouse.
4. Click once. The command will now by typed into the input buffer
The graphics window can be set to be as high or as low as you wish by
moving the mouse to the Scroll Bar, holding down the right hand button, and
moving the window up and down.
The third section is the text window, where your commands and the game's
responses are displayed.
TALKING TO THE PROGRAM
To communicate with the program, simple type in a sentence describing what
you want to do. When it is waiting for a command, a '>' prompt and a block
cursor are displayed. Once you have typed your command press the <RETURN>
EDITING YOUR COMMANDS
The following allow you to edit the current line:
Move left one character Left arrow
Move right one character Right arrow
Move left one word Up arrow
Move right one word Down arrow
Delete one character to the left CTRL-Left arrow or BACKSPACE
Delete one character to the right CTRL-Right arrow or DELETE
Delete one word to the left CTRL-Up arrow
Delete one word to the right CTRL-Down arrow
RE-EDITING YOUR LAST COMMAND
If you discover that you have made a small typing error on your last line,
pressing the ESC key will bring it back for editing.
When there are too many lines to display on the screen at once the message
'<MORE>' appears at the bottom right of the screen. Pressing any key will
allow the game to continue.
This will allow you to define any of the 10 function keys. For instance,
if you decide that you are typing the command 'GET ALL' repeatedly, you can
define function 1 to be 'GET ALL', and every time you now press F1 the
string 'GET ALL' will be placed on your command line. Function can also be
abbreviated to Funct.
This command enables you to save your current position in the game. you
will be prompted for a filename. The program will ask you for the name of
your game (e.g. 'SAVED1'), and then save it to the default drive, or the
drive specified. To specify a drive, put the drive letter followed by a
colon before the filename (e.g. 'B:SAVED1'). Please do not attempt to save
files on the game disk.
To reload a previously saved game type 'RESTORE'; as with 'SAVE' you will
be prompted for a filename. Don't forget to put the game disk back in the
default drive after loading a saved game.
PRINTER ON (PRINTER OFF)
You can record your game by use of this command which turns the printer on
(and off). Do not despair if you have a slow printer, as the adventure
maintains its own printer buffer (but please ensure that your printer is
switched on before using this feature).
GRAPHICS ON (GRAPHICS OFF)
If you prefer to play the game without the pictures being displayed they
can be disabled with 'GRAPHICS OFF'. They can then be re-enabled with
For those of you using the Atari monochrome monitor, and the thought of
viewing these spectacular graphics in color has still not enticed you to
acquire a color monitor, we have installed some special features to utilise
the high resolution of this mode.
This command will change the height of your characters. The default is
large text, however if you wish to see more on the screen, selecting
smaller characters enables this.
STIPPLE, DITHER, FREEHAND
These three commands alter the way in which the picture is displayed. It is
best to experiment with them to achieve the most desirable results.
Staff Memo Jinxter
DEPARTMENT OF GUARDIANS
Office of Internal Administrative Liaison
From the Deputy Under-Secretary's Assistant General Secretary
Please address all queries to extension ________
Item # 995037, Ledger# 21.145.441.6, Issue # 32:B:3992/11.1B, Ref.
AB/HGG/IHG//DS.11/34, Folio # 95739914005, Piece of Paper #
528319995706773, Number # 8925070157, Page # 0000000000001
SUBJECT: Aquitania, restoration of Luck to, Witches, by, Defeating of,
Charms, by, Turani, Bracelet of, Restoration to.
1.A. The magician Turani created the property duly filed and recorded
as "The Bracelet of Turani" (Commemorated and symbolised in the
carousel now standing in the main square of the village) and consisting
1.A.1. Bracelet, enchanted, 1
1.A.2. Charms, enchanted, 5
1.B. The purpose of said Bracelet was to provide a source of good
fortune hereinafter referred to as "luck" for the benefit of the people
1.C. Said bracelet acted as powerful antidote to notorious Green
Witches of Aquitania, rendering them relatively harmless.
1.D. Power of said bracelet was harmful to witches since, in hands of
suitable mortal, could be conclusively turned against them.
1.E. Power of said bracelet could, on other hand, be used and directed
to increase "luck" of people of Turani and limit (but not wholly
eliminate) activities of said Witches.
1.F. Therefore if the said Bracelet was safely installed in premises
of said Witches:
1.F.1. Witches would protect themselves against catastrophe by
safeguarding bracelet, AND
1.F.2. People of Aquitania would continue to enjoy "luck",
since bracelet protected by said Witches.
1.G. Towards the end of his life, said Turani engaged services of this
Department to direct said "luck" in his place, after his death. This
increased departmental prestige and generated considerable and
satisfactory volumes of paperwork.
1.H. This situation persisted to general satisfaction until recently,
when complaints were filed by outside parties.
2. RECENT EVENTS
2.A. In line with Departmental policy, little credence was given to
2.B. However, internal ramifications were noted, not least that
Departmental Officers were being finding increasing difficulties in
maintaining a steady supply of "luck" from the said Bracelet. The
Department was clearly being inconvenienced and its comfort and safety
2.C. Such situation was clearly intolerable and, at the instigation of
the Inter-Departmental Steering committee of the Working Group of the
Standing Committee on Administrative Administration and Internal
Affairs, an investigation was called.
3. RESULTS OF INVESTIGATION
3.A. The Investigative Sub-Committee found as follows:
3.A.1. Until recently, said Witches had accepted the
constraints upon their activities, confining themselves to jokes,
meetings and charitable works.
3.A.2. Recently however a Witch using the name of Jannedor has
reportedly been using her influence to bring about an overthrow
of the powers of the said Bracelet.
3.A.3. Under the influence of Jannedor, the said Witches have
allegedly compiled an illegal and unauthorised enchantment which
had the potential permanently to destroy the said Bracelet. The
said non-registered unauthorized enchantment is believed to be
not sufficiently powerful to corrupt or destroy the bracelet
PROVIDING IT IS INTACT WITH ALL ITS CHARMS. It is, however,
capable of destroying the Bracelet providing its powers are
weakened by having its charms removed.
3.B. Accordingly, the said Witches have been holding out illegal
inducements to members of the general public, offering preferment or
riches if said members of the public will remove and conceal a charm
from the bracelet (since it is noted that the bracelet and its charms
are not in any way harmful to the public, but only to the Witches).
3.C. As a result of this action, the bracelet has at the time of
writing been completely stripped of all charms pertaining thereto, and
the Bracelet's residual powers are fast running out., with the risk of
severe consequences to this Department.
4.A. The destruction of the powers of the Bracelet cannot be
permitted, in view of the severe effect it would have on this
4.B. This can best be accomplished by:
4.B.1. Locating all missing charms.
4.B.2. Gaining access to the said Bracelet.
4.B.3. Reassembling said Bracelet.
4.B.4. Utilizing power of bracelet against said Witches.
4.C. The Department cannot spare resources to attend to this matter.
5. It is therefore concluded that a member of the general public be co-
opted as Special Consultant to the Investigative Sub-Committee of the
Inter-Departmental Steering Committee of the Working Group of the Standing
Committee on Administrative Administration and Internal Affairs.
6. A copy of this memorandum is to be given to said member of the general
public, who is to be afforded such assistance as the Department can place
at his disposal.
THE INDEPENDENT GUARDIAN
Quality News For The Hard Of Thinking
The Weekly For the Association of Register Stochastic Executives (A.R.S.E.)
A Nasty Spell On The Way?
LIFE LOSES CHARM
We'll Get The Bracelets On Them Yet, Says Wossname
Aquitania's luck is running out - literally. That's what they're saying at
Guardian House. And top officials say "There's worse to come."
According to leading Guardian Len Wossname, 62, Aquitania can expect:
-> Plagues of bats, mice and toads.
-> Bad weather for the forseeable future.
-> The Green Witches holding power.
-> The collapse of the ferg.
-> Total unavailability of a decent bit of cheddar.
Wossname, widely regarded as gan authority on the Bracelet of Turani and
the magic traditionally associated with it, blames Ms Jannedor Nasty, 186.
"Yerse," said Wossname, "I blame Ms Jannedor Nasty, 186."
Wossname claims that Jannedor is behind a campaign to separate the
powerful charms from the legendary Turani bracelet, weakening its power and
allowing her and her rebel organization to seize power.
"Mark my words," says Wossname, "things will look bleak for Aquitania
unless the bracelet and wossnames are reunited."
Asked what action the Guardians were taking, Wossname said "Werl...
between ourselves, fat-all. Manpower, right? But we is looking for the
right individual to, er, do the job on our wossname."
Wossname gave your soaraway Guardian exclusive details of the
legendary charms of Turani.
"Dunno if it'll help," he said, "but frankly we've got a ruddy
quicksand sitting on our shoulders and we'll be up to our necks in a
whirlwind if we don't drag ourselves out of the mire before the moose
See below for the startling EXCLUSIVE facts!
SUPABOOZA LEN GOES LIKE A DRAIN!
While the rest of us were getting soaked in last weeks mammoth storms, this
week's Supa-Booza Len Pisht just... soaked. "I just stood there with my
wossname open," says Len, 44. "Not a drop was shpilt!"
Len, a 2nd Grade RSE with Central Stochastics, lives alone with a
large collection of corks and something terribly important which he can't
remember. When he heard he was this week's winner, Len said "Can anyone
who knows where I've been for the last ten years please get in touch?" He
added: "Oh - jolly king of you. Just the one, then," before keeling over
and hanging on to the floor.
LEN WOSSNAME WRITES:
Turani knew us wossnames. Guardians. How we couldn't remember, er, words.
So he called the thingies names we could remember. Like the doodah, fire-
engine. Makes it rain. Then to make the sun come out, you use the thingy.
Dragon. The oojimy - walrus - freezes stuff, and the watercallit, unicorn,
makes things come back to you. And of course, the doofer - pelican - makes
things come to life. Just find the wossname, say the doodah, and thing's
your wossname. Charm. Word. Bob. Uncle. Narmean?
GUARDIANS STRIKE IN "HARD CHEESE" ROW
Registered Stochastic Executives are to withdraw their labor as from the
25th, in a row over regulation cheese sandwiches.
"We have to carry these things," say RSE 8th Grade Len Wotcher, "on
account of where it's in company wossname, policy.
"But frankly, it's a ruddy disgrace."
Association chiefs took the decision at a meeting of the Guardians'
union last night.
"The 25th is Crunch Day. We haven't decided the 25th of what,
exactly, but it'll probably be a month.
"It's hard to think of anything else with a 25th in it," Thingy added,
"and we took that into account."
The cheese sandwich row began 286 years ago over the bread, but has
now escalated to include the cheese itself. As Deputy General Secretary
Len Doodah points out, "It wouldn't be so bad if the wossnames were
wossname. Sandwiches. Optional. But they aren't.
"Len Public expects his wossname, Guardian, to be carrying a cheese
sarnie. It's traditional. But I don't think they realise the murky
"Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if this whole business escalated to
include the butter before long, too, never mind the ruddy greaseproof
COURT & SOCIAL
His Royal Highness Prince Wilf the Partly-Formed left the Royal Seat
yesterday when he began an extended goodwill mission to n'Goa n'Goa. His
Royal Highness returned later for the Royal Seat saying: "Demned if one's
goin' to sit on demned palm trees, what? What? What? What?" Equerry-in-
Stasis Lord Rupert Rupert Rupert then detonated a small grenade under His
Royal Highness, who stopped saying "What? What?" but, since the shrapnel
only passed through his brain, His Royal Highness suffered no other ill-
Her Royal Highness The Princess Yah Super threw a bread roll in a
restaurant on Tuesday evening. Doctors are said to be "delighted" with her
The Prime Minister Sir Rudolph Nose had an audience with His Majesty
yesterday. It is understood that they watched several old Sixties sit-coms
and then fell asleep.
Her Majesty the Queen Mother visited the Lower Leaking Home for Dotards on
Friday, where she smiled a lot. All the inmates said she was really
lovely, just like her photo, and reminded them of their old Gran. They
added, as protocol demands, that they hoped she would drop round again when
she was in leaking.
The Lord Chancellor, His Honour Lord Sir Doctor General Horace Biro, will
ceremonially open the High Court tomorrow at 11:00 in the forenoon. He
will unceremoniously close it again at 11:15, since his recent operation
was not entirely successful.
(That's enough Court & Social - Ed.)
"Face up to facts" says renegade GM woman
GRIM BIMBO TO WIN IN NO-LUCK CHARM CONTEST?
"If this woman has her way, every one of our members could be out of a job
That's the grim picture spelt out in pillars of stone by A.R.S.E.
Assistant Deputy Secretary-General Len Crikey.
The reason for Crikey's concern? jannedor, the rogue Green Witch who
is threatening to destroy the Turani Bracelet.
If the Bracelet goes, it will cause considerable pain in the A.R.S.E.
Members stand to lose their jobs. At the very least, says Crikey,
"there's going to be a massive shakeout of Guardianpower."
The Jannedor threat was first brought to the attention of senior
Departmental staff 128 years ago, says Crikey.
Director of Stochastic Services Dir Monty Starborgling, questioned
about the delay, said: "Festina lente is our motto here. Volente non fit
injuria, of course, but de minimis non curat lex. In other words, Caesar
adsum jam forte. Follow my meaning, old pip, old pip?"
Crikey's immediate response? "Typical managerial drivel. Our members
have to go out in the street and deal with real people.
"Starborgling wouldn't spot a wossname if you shoved it in sideways.
And you can quote me."
Who is the Evil Genius of the Order?
Special Report by Gavin Safari-Jacket
The Jannedor threat is greater than ever before.
No Guardian can afford to be unaware of the situation.
I can reveal that, should Jannedor succeed in finally dismantling the,
er, thing - sorry, left my notes in the pub, but you know what I mean - the
lights will go out all over Aquitania.
Babies will die in the streets and the old will cry for milk in vain.
Something like that, anyway.
But more important than this, A.R.S.E. jobs are at risk.
This threat is a banana-skin under Aquitania which will boomerang like
a rabid quagmire before coming home to roost and explode to leave us with
egg on our feet of clay.
But what is Jannedor really like? I simply haven't a clue. Sorry.
NEWS IN BRIEF...
Borgling - A 21 year old Assistant Guardian was beaten up and severely hurt
last week while helping an elderly lady across the road. "It took two
hours," said Len Thing, "and she was screaming all the way. Then all these
old bats came from nowhere shouting 'Why can't you leave people alone!'
The next thing I knew, they were beating me with their tartan shipping
trolleys, and I woke up in Hospital"
A.R.S.E. Chairman Sir Deonard ('Len') Wallet will retire next month. Says
Len, "It's time to go. I don't want to push my luck!"
The annual Association Lizard Bar-B-Q and Biodegradable T-Shirt contest
will be held in St Leonard's Church Hall, Lennington on the 24th - that's
the day after the strike, so a good turn-out is predicted, says St
Leonard's Vicar, the Rev. Len Vicar.
Retired Guardian Len Pouch, 72, has started a vital service for A.R.S.E.
members: herringbone replacement. Says Len, 72, "My life as a Guardian was
made miserable by constant herringbone maintenance. Now members can bring
their overcoats in for quality bone-fitting at a budget price."
Happy Birthday to Len Phone, who is 91 today!
"Country close to war" says PM
REBELS SEIZE POWER IN GULF CLASH
A crack team of Guardians was called in last night to stem a rising tide of
revolt in the long-running Gulf War.
The task force, led by Commander Len "Nuts" Twombly, 34, parachuted in
from two Air Force cumulonimbi in the early hours of the morning.
"We will be building a bridgehead at Al Qhqhu'u," said Twombly, "Or
something that sounds like that, anyway. Then it's up to luck."
The rebel situation worsened last week when the A.T.I.A.F. dissidents
broke with the T.E.A.F. freedom fighters after a dispute with the I.T.F.A.
Now the F.I.A.I.T. claims to have taken control of State Radio and is
claiming a democratic military regime.
The exact nature of the I.T.F.A. victory is unknown, as is the
location of the F.T.A.I. forces or indeed the Gulf itself. The reason for
this confusion is that this, like all Gulf War stories, is being made up
from the office after lunch.
Comments Twombly: "I don't exist either. You're making me up, too."
KWAZI DELEGATES RUN WILD IN CAPITAL
Shock Horror Violence Flare Storm
Ruddibahmi, Capital of Kwazi, was in silence last night after a marauding
band of A.R.S.E. delegates on a "fact finding" tour ran amok.
The delegates, Len Flute, len Wivaht and Len Welt, were arrested by
Kwazi police after apparently starting a fight in a house of ill-repute on
the notorious Nooki Street.
Welt, speaking from his cell, said: "We wuz relaxing after a hard
wossname. All we wanted was a quiet cheese sandwich when in comes this
wossname with half-a-dozen scantily-clad wossnames. We told her to cheese
orft, and next thing we knew we was banged up. It's a disgrace."
Landlady Ethel Dearie denies Welt's version of events. "They come in
heah an they bline drunk. Sayin they respec'ble biznissmen but I see
straight way they no good, probly Guardians out on one razzle. I offer 'em
the best in my house, the finest mature cheddar in Kwazi, but it not
" 'Bring on the dancin' gels' they screamin', 'We powerful operatives
an' can float above the groun' " So I call the cops. It serve them right,
if you ask me."
ASK A GUY WHO KNOWS...
What he thinks of "GRAUNIAD" brand special Sandwich Cheese-style Spread.
Only 3fg the packet.
. sticks to the bread
. clogs the tongue
. sprays on clients
. guaranteed no taste
Grauniad - let your A.R.S.E. be the judge.
Official Cheese of the Association of Registered Stochastic Executives.
Gold Medal (failed); Imperial Exhibition (withdrawn); Dairy Products Award
GUARDIAN SMALL ADS
For Sale: Herringbone Overcoat, vgc, one careful owner, bargain at 15fg.
Apply at A.R.S.E. offices. Ask for Len Oops.
For Sale: Herringbone Overcoat, vgc, one careful owner, bargain at 15fg.
Apply at A.R.S.E. offices. Ask for Len Piperack.
For Sale: Herringbone Overcoat, vgc, one careful owner, bargain at 15fg.
Apply at A.R.S.E. offices. Ask for Len Carton.
For Sale: Herringbone Overcoat, vgc, one accident-prone owner, bargain at
75fg. Apply at A.R.S.E. offices. Ask for Len Redit. No agencies.
Wanted: Overcoat, any pattern but herringbone. Advertiser promoted to
Administrative post. Apply Leonard memo, ex. 335.
Mum: Do not worry. The doctors say they will dry out in time.
A Life in the Day Of...
Aquata's New A.R.S.E. Rep is a ball of fire in a herringbone overcoat,
writes Suzie Dope
"We Stokies have got to stick together." The languid, challenging figure
reclining against the rough-shod wall gives me a challenging glance from
languid, reclining eyes, "but let's not talk about me, honey. How's about
we make ourselves comfortable on this recliner and delve into your personal
history like two old buddies?"
Understand Moron's desire to help a girl do a difficult job in any way
he feels kike, and you have the measure of this languid, irresistible man
who, mark my words, will shake up the public image of Guardians and set the
cat among the pigeons.
"I wanted to put something to you," Moron murmurs, exuding the
confidence which the public demand - but so rarely receive - from the
Guardians. "Our job is to help people fulfil their lives.
"Like for example a girl like yourself shouldn't be out on the streets
day after day. You should be in a little flat somewhere, where you could
play with a poodle or two, lounge around in a kimono, you know what I
Put like that, who can argue with Moron?
Certainly he has style. The chairs, for instance. "Yes," he agrees
shyly, "I'm rather proud of them. I use them for sitting on. It's rather
a style point, I think. My mentor was Len Spoon and he was very keen on
novel applications for utility things. Look, honey, these chairs recline
right back, why don't I show you?"
The deeper one falls under the spell of a captivating man-child like
Moron, the more one is aware of the vast gulf between him and the
traditional, herringbone-overcoated Guardian: middle-aged, moustachioed,
munching a cheese sandwich, the traditional A.R.S.E. member has none of the
grace, elegance, wit, charm and sparkling, sheer personality of the unique
"I want to get away from the old image" says Moron candidly. "I
wouldn't tel this to just anyone, honey - why not kick off those
constricting shoes, where they pull your feet out of shape? - but I want
the public to call us Friends rather than Guardians. After all, this is
the present day, and it's time to throw out those paternalistic attitudes
and for men and woman to come together as equals in freedom of choice."
One cannot but agree. The day of the paternalistic Guardian is over.
True, Moron sports a herringbone overcoat - but it bears the unmistakeable
stamp of haute cuisine on his lithe, elegant frame. True, he carries a
cheese sandwich - but it's wholemeal bread and Roquefort and old-fashioned
butter which Moron discovered "while scouring the globe for taste-treats."
"No need to dress like a schlump," he asserts. "Nowadays, it's ongoin
support which people require. The days of rushing around swamps and mines,
turning up in mid-air and so forth, by me that's strickly old hat. Say,
talking of hats, why don't you and me go and buy you something for your
pretty hair? Maybe in the morning?" Who could resist such an offer, or
such a man? Not me, for sure.
We know you're only superhuman.
We know you care.
We know you do your best.
Every day, in all weathers, you're out on the job.
You don't ask for much.
Immortality is its own reward.
But have you thought about the future?
Have you thought about Life Insurance?
Which is why we launched a special scheme.
A scheme tailored for immortal demi-gods.
You may think there's no point.
Nor did anyone else.
So we've gone bust.
TWIT & CO - INSURANCE BROKERS
THE INDEPENDENT GUARDIAN
1327 Old Leather Bottle Alley
Docklands Zone, AQ 17277
Registered at the Post Office as a toad
THE PRICE OF A CHEESE SANDWICH
On the other hand, it might be argued that the ongoing rumpus concerning
the provision of cheese sandwiches to the duly appointed members of
A.R.S.E. is a storm in a teacup.
Here at the Guardian, however, we prefer, upon mature consideration,
taking one thing with another, to regard it as a storm between two slices
Why? Because that is the sort of feeble joke we enjoy making.
What must not be forgotten is that we are not bery bright. If we
were, we would be dons at Cambridge. As it is, we just pretend to be dons
at Cambridge. Hence, our tweed jackets, our fluting voices, our pale pasty
complexions and our pompous, slightly faggy prose style.
Never forget that we know almost less about what is going on than you
do. We rely on other people for our information. They may, taking
everything into account, choose to lie to us. So be it. We cannot be
bothered to check. Which is why, all things considered, we begin leaders
with phrases like "on the other hand".
But we say this: to commit ourselves would be unwise.
BUMMAHS OR BOOZAS
This organ has been accused of many things. Prudery has never been one of
them. Yet there are those who want to BAN your weekly glugging, lurching
To these killjoys, we say "NUTS!"
Our readers work hard saving people from their folly.
We say this: whose pot would you rather fill? The pompous bum Bummah
(see letters) or cheerful, sodden Len on Page 1?
We say this: Len gets our credit, any day of the week??!?!??
GUARDIANS AT WAR
An Anniversary Celebration
by Norbert Wibb
The War record of the Association of Registered Stochastic Executives -
popularly known as "The Guardians" - has been a long and glorious one.
Now, on the anniversary of the first Royal Incorporation of A.R.S.E.
during the reign of King Willy the Bit Childish, we look back over the
years with pride.
We first find the Guardians being mentioned in the Chronicle of Clerk
Peter the Very Overdrawn, which deals with the Battle of Saucer Creek.
Peter comments: "Waited until dawne for ye Grauniads to Turn Uppe but they
Never Shewed. Typicall."
Some fifty years later, the Guardians were in action again, fighting
for King Derek the Confused against himself in one of the great rearguard
actions of the Silly War. Contemporary sources cite the Guardians' role as
"negligibble: They just Hange aroundd with much Drinking and Fondling. For
mine Selfe, I founde the Stentch of theyr Hering Boane Coates to Stink out
ny Nostriles, that I was like to Perrish."
(That's enough battles - Ed.)
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Correspondents are requested to write on one side of the paper only. We
reserve the right to shorten letters for reasons of space, or to amend
readers' opinions for reasons of naked bigotry. The Editor's decision is
dubious. No Tick.
Letter of the Week
We have written to you repeatedly regarding your overdraft which at close
of business yesterday stood at 37,660.32fg in our books.
Failing immediate repayment in full we will have no alternative but to
seek recovery through legal channels.
Mr L.S. Bummah
NotBest Bank Plc
Miss Doris Norris
In the course of my Duty as a Guardian (Grade 2b) I was obliged to render
assistance to the above-mentioned lady in a delicate domestic matter, to
wit, this sweet and innocent creature was being shamefully abused by her
husband. I was able to oblige by turning him into a pair of rather nice
Vibram-soled waterproof hiking boots (size 6). In the ensuing conversation
it transpired that both the lady and I are keen mulching enthusiasts, and
she kindly showed me her mulching cart which I took as a token of esteem.
We subsequently fell in love and are engaged to be married. We plan a
hiking honeymoon during the course of which she will walk all over her ex-
husband. What I want to know is this: in the event of our divorce, do I
get the mulching cart?
IMMORTALITY - THE HIDDEN CRISIS
What do you do when a seemingly ordinary husband tells you: "I'm wossname"?
It happened to Mary Dull...
"Ours seemed such a straightforward marriage.
I met Len when I was just 23. He was seemingly doing pretty well as a
trainee Guardian. He'd just got his F.A.R.S.E. exams and the future looked
Everyone said we were too young to marry, but we pooh-poohed them.
Fro the first couple of years we were happy. Then Len began keeping late
hours. He'd just go off for months on end. I spoke to him about it, but
all he said was "Werl, narmean?"
I didn't like to say that, no, I didn't know what he meant. So I
tried to keep myself busy. I got interested in womanly things. I spent
hours in front of the fire with my Independent Guardian Knit-Your-Won-
Lesbian pattern. I wore a balaclava and hung around outside military
installations. I bought some big boots and stopped bathing.
But Len didn't seem to notice. I was worried sick. Finally, my
friend Deirdre said "You just have to confront him with your problems.
Communication is the thing. Tell him how you feel and don't let him evade
So one day Len came home and I was waiting for him. I had made a
special effort; his cheese sandwiches were keeping warm in the oven, I had
had my hair done, I was wearing scent, a silk negligee, black stockings and
high heels, and carrying a shotgun. When Len came in, I let him have it
between the eyes.
To my amazement, all he said was "Har Har Har, I'm immortal." So I
shot Deirdre instead, and I must say, since then, Len and I have been very
If YOU are under threat of violence in the home, call 021-556-BONK - the
advice center for Battered Guardians. We understand...
CRI DE "COR!" - A CARING GUIDE
A question we often ask at Independent Guardian Women is: "HOw many women
have the most terrible problems sharing their lives with Guardians - yet do
not realise it?"
Independent research, carried out by a firm of people who we told
exactly what we wanted their independent research to prove, has shown that:
-> 90% of women don't realise there's anything wrong with their lives
until we tell them.
-> 85% of women who seek our advice require psychiatric help within a
-> Guardians as a class are bombastic, shabby, and do not help around
-> "Hovering about" is the most destructive thing, according to a
sample group of wives.
-> Women who believe they are perfectly happy being married to
Guardians are often initially resistant when we persuade them that
they are miserable.
-> Guardians whose wives leave them generally say "Oh, has she?
Werl..." when asked for their feelings.
Solution to Puzzle 1828
A surprisingly poor response to a fairly straightforward puzzle. THe clue
was in Mr Green's hat, and what most of you failed to spot was the
application of lattice theory to what happened after the party. Mr
Wormold, one of our regulars, quite correctly reasoned that if the atomic
weight of the new element was 225, then Plato's neighbor could not have
been the lift-man, so the answer could never have been "A Graviton". That,
of course, meant that if the Greek acrostics really were heiroglyphs, the
German spies could never have started their computer and the series of
orange (but NOT red) lollipops would have been recursive.
The answer, therefore, was "Yes.".
TIRED OF PLAIN OLD HERRINGBONE?
So were our master tailors. So we designed the new look for the new
Guardian: HERRINGSCALE. Traditional, yet daring, for the Guardian who
cares that little bit more.
Pin this sample to your forehead and see what your friends say!
Audley & Dogg - Tailors for Gentlemen since 10 a.m.
THIS IS WHAT YOU DO
A Guardian's Bible
This issue, yur soaraway Independant Guardian managed to collor one of
A.R.S.E.'s leading operatives, Len "Wossname" Wossname.
Wossname tells all: what it's really like out there; what to expect;
what not to expect; when to expect what you're not expecting.
FINDING A CHEESE SANDWICH
IG: So, you've done the research and know what to expect when you arrive in
the field. Tell us about methods of travel, if you will.
Wossname: Werl, piece of cake this. Nothing to it really. What with the
old man being a cartographer an' all. Anyway, basic principal is this:
you're in one place and you want to go somewhere else; you whip out yer
pocket compass, work out which direction the cheese shop lies and go that
IG: Could you give us an example?
Wossname: Yus. Say you was in the middle of nowhere; exits in all
directions, narmean? Werl, you're spoilt fer choice, ain't you? I mean,
you could go:
NORTH, NORTHEAST, NORTHWEST, SOUTH, SOUTHEAST, SOUTHWEST, EAST, WEST,
UP or even DOWN
Assuming there was summit interesting in that direction, eh? Mind you, if
you knew that there was a cheese shop to the est, you'd probably want to go
in and have a good look around, narmean? So, you'd
>GO WEST or, to make life easier, just
>WEST or even
> W will do the trick.
IG: That's all very well, but what if our cheese shop had a door, or you
didn't have a compass handy?
Wossname: Variety? Spice of life innit? Door? No problem, all you'd have
to do is
>GO THROUGH THE DOOR or
>GO IN assuming it was open, narmean? No compass, you say? Werl,
you could just
>ENTER CHEESE SHOP or
>GO INTO THE CHEESE SHOP would do just as well
IG: Getting away from cheese shops for the moment-
IG: Let me postulate a hypothetical situation: imagine you came across a
comfy chair after a hard day's work. How would you approach the concept of
Wossname: S'easy, I'd
>SIT DOWN or
>SIT ON THE CHAIR
Might prove a bit of a problem if there was more 'n one of the buggers
tho'. In that case I'd
>SIT ON THE COMFY CHAIR.
IG: Fine, so we're sitting on a comfy chair. What if we found that there
was a bit of a draught coming through an open door?
Wossname: Werl, 's obvious innit? Can't reach the door while your're
sitting down now, can you? You'd have to
>GET OFF first. There's several ways you could do this though:
>STAND is the easiest
>GET OFF THE COMFY CHAIR is another. On the other hand, you might
not be able to do anything about the draught, so you could simply
>GO OUT which would get you off the chair and take you outside, all
in one go, narmean?
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU'VE FOUND IT
IG: Yes, well that all sounds very straightforward. Let's move on, shall
we? Getting back to the cheese shop-
Wossname: A real cheese shop, mind you. None of this processed rubbish.
IG: Yes, alright. So, we find ourselves inside a cheese shop only to be
confronted with a bewildering array of cheeses. What do we do?
Wossname: Simple enuf, you
>EAT THE CHEESE no trouble there, squire.
IG: But what if there were lots of different types of cheese? How would
you get the one you were after?
Wossname: Werl, if there were more 'n one, you'd get asked which one you
were talking about. But, if you knew that one of them was a juicy piece of
cheddar you'd have gone for that one in the first place with
>EAT THE CHEDDAR CHEESE now wouldn't you? Eh?
IG: Yes, I suppose you would. Now, what if one of the cheeses was mouldy
and you wanted to eat all of them except that one?
Wossname: Piece of wossname, cheese? No, cake. Har! Har! Har! Anyway,
what? Oh. Yeah, mouldy cheese. Werl, you'd just
>EAT ALL THE CHEESE EXCEPT THE MOULDY CHEESE
IG: Alright, so much for eating cheese. How would you go about making a
sandwich out of it?
Wossname: Now you're talking. Can't remember the last time I had a decent
cheese sandwich; if it's not processed rubbish it's foreign muck. Narmean?
Yeah, werl, if you had a sandwich and some cheese all you have to do to
make a cheese sandwich is
>PUT THE CHEESE INTO THE SANDWICH
IG: But, supposing there was already some cheese in the sandwich. What
Wossname: Werl, you'd probably find that the cheese wouldn't fit. A slice
of bread is only so big you know. Trouble is, you might have slipped up
when you tried to make the sandwich and said
>PUT THE CHEESE IN THE SANDWICH
Which is all very well if the sandwich was empty in the first place. If it
had some cheese in it though, you'd get asked
Which is perfectly fair question if you think about it, innit?
IG: I see. Well, so far we've been doing things all in one go, so to
speak. What if we wanted to take it one step at a time?
Wossname: You mean, what if we'd had a few to drink and didn't want to make
any mistakes like putting the mouldy cheese into the sandwich eh?
IG: If you like, yes.
Wossname: Know what you mean, chief. Say no more. Try this
Seeing as how no one would know what I mean, I'd get asked
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO PUT?
Then I could say
And the response might be
WHICH ONE? THE MOULDY CHEESE OR THE CHEDDAR CHEESE?
So I'd say
>THE CHEDDAR CHEESE
And the question would come back
And I'd tell it
but there might be more than one sandwich, in which case I'd get
WHICH ONE? THE LARGE SANDWICH OR THE SMALL SANDWICH?
so, finally I'd say
>THE LARGE ONE
and there you have it: one large cheddar cheese sandwich.
ASKING FOR A CHEESE SANDWICH
IG: Let's get back to the cheese shop shall we?
Wossname: Yes, lets.
IG: To make things a little more realistic, let us suppose that there is a
shopkeeper and a table in the shop. Now, you want to buy some cheese, but
you have no money. Take us through it, if you will.
Wossname: Alright, chief. First thing I need to do is find some cash,
since my credit isn't too good around cheese shops generally. So, I'd
probably have a good look under the table - you never know what you might
>LOOK UNDER THE TABLE
YOU FIND A COIN
What a stroke of luck! Right, things get easy from here on in
YOU HAVE NOW GOT THE COIN
Werl now, flush with cash, I can stroll on up to the shopkeeper and enquire
after a nice juicy piece of cheddar.
>ASK SHOPKEEPER ABOUT CHEDDAR
Now, the geezer will probably waffle on about how incredibly tasty all this
expensive foreign muck is. Don't worry, I won't fall for the sales pitch,
I'll get straight to the point
>ASK HIM FOR THE CHEDDAR CHEESE
THE SHOPKEEPER SAYS, "NO, IT IS MINE."
Werl, no harm in trying is there? Looks like I'll just have to pay for it
>BUY THE CHEDDAR CHEESE FROM HIM WITH THE COIN
Now, assuming inflation hasn't gone through the roof since I last bought
some cheese, I should end up with my lump of cheddar.
SHORTER WAYS OF DOING ALL THE OTHER STUFF
IG: You make it all sound so easy. Tell me, are there any short cuts?
Tricks of the trade, that kind of thing?
Wossname: Werl, when you've been doing this kind of thing for as long as I
have, you get to know a trick or two, narmean?
IG: No. Tell us.
Wossname: Okay, tell you what, I'll give you two versions of the same
thing. One the long way round and the other using a few short cuts.
First, the long way
>GO NORTHWEST AND GET THE CHEESE AND THE SANDWICH THEN GET THE KNIFE
THAT IS ON THE TABLE AND USE THE KNIFE TO CUT THE SANDWICH
And the shorter version:
>NW, G CHEESE, SANDWICH, KNIFE, CUT SANDWICH WI IT
IG: Fascinating. Are there any more?
Wossname: A few, yeah
IG: Could you tell us what they are?
Wossname: S'pose I could. The main ones are obviously the eight points of
the compass. You know, like NW for NORTHWEST and U for UP. Then, of
course, there's L for LOOK, DR for DROP and I for INVENTORY. Er, F for
FROM is pretty useful, and PN for PRONOUNS comes in handy too - that way
you know what the wossname is, narmean?
OTHER THINGS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH CHEESE AT ALL
IG: So, is that everything you need to know before embarking on your
Wossname: Pretty much. There's a few other things like INVENTORY for when
you want to find out what you're carrying and wearing. Or there's EXITS
what tells you which ways you could go. Another one is AGAIN - very useful
IG: Could you demonstrate it's application?
Wossname: Werl, if you was to get really annoyed, you might
>BANG HEAD ON WALL
Now, it could be that you thought it was something that you should try more
often. If you did then you'd say
Which would do it again, narmean?
IG: Surprisingly, yes. What else is there?
Wossname: SCORE is a good one: let's you know how things are going
generally, and how you're luck's holding out. Er, what else? Oh, yeah,
when you've had enough you can QUIT. Or, if you want some more, you can
RESTART. There's some other stuff, but it varies depending on yer
circumstances, narmean? Anyway, there's a Departmental memo you can read
as will tell you all about it.
IG: Well, I've certainly enjoyed our discussion and think we can safely say
that our readers will be better informed once they've read this. Thank you
for your time.
Wossname: Is that it?
Wossname: Oh, Bye then.
Big Boy's Got It Sussed -
BUT HE'S NOT TELLING
Renegade Guardian Len "Big Boy" Jobsworth claims to have cracked the secret
of the Jannedor crisis writes Justin Dearie.
The amazing Big Boy has compiled a secret dossier which should solve
all our problems. But when asked for the secret, Big Boy just smiled.
"Har har har!" laughed Big Boy. "If I was to show you my thingie, you
wouldn't know what to do with it."
But Big Boy DID reveal that his dossier can be decoded by a
"computer". And we persuaded him to give us sight of the code version.
"I can show you this," said Big Boy, "because none of your readers
will know what it means.
"What they won't realise - 'coz you're too drunk to tell them - is
that all they've got to do, if they get wossname, stuck, is type HINT at
the computer, then the bits inside wossnames. Brackets.
"The computer'll work it all out and give them the answer.
"Clever things, computer," boasted Wossname, "but even they can have
enough. If you get a "+" sign after it's told you the answer, you might
think to yourself: 'Eh? What?'
"But all you do is type the next secret code line and you'll get the
rest of the answer.
"Mind you, I'm not letting you in on all this. I'm keeping it to
myself," said a steadily more intoxicated Big Boy. "My lips are sealed,"
he added, cramming in a huge lump of sandwich before falling senseless to
the floor. So we stole his dossier:
How do I get off the bus?
<RA AK GH AE YE RS PK RM PS RK PM RS GS AT HC AK YK KH YP KE YP AS DS>
Where do I get off the bus?
<RA CC HR KR PC RT PD CD GE CA HY CA GR CH HY KY PC KR YM RM GK HD>
<RA CM HE CD HB KB YD KP HP AY GC RC YB KG PY CY GP AC HK KK PA RE PP RG GT
<RA AK GP CD PD KE PQ RK YK RG GG CC HP AD HC KC PR RS PB CB HQ CE GF AD GB
RB PG RC GC AR HS AB YB KY YS RB YM KK YC RB GH CH>
How do I get past the bull?
<RA CC HY AT YT KB HB CF GG CK GR AG PD CD GK CC PH KR HR AK YK KT YB KH HH
AT HE KE PQ RP PH CH GR CT GH AY HM KK HY>
<RA AT HH CP PK RB PK CK HG AY HG KG PR RA PK CK HP AQ HF AA YA RT PH KP HP
CC GK CR GT CA HP AH YH KF YC RH GH CP GY AC GB RB PC KR HR AD GE RC FC>
<RA AT HH CP PP RB PH RT YF AF GT CC GA AK YK RA PB RS YK AK GG CH HE RR GF
<RA PD RR PF RQ GQ AB HA AE GB CC GE CB PB RT GT AQ HF AM YM RB PT RF GF AM
HR KR YK AK HH CP GE CP PS MS>
<RA CT PT KM PE KE PE RA YP KH HH YE AE HD AP GH CM GF RF PM KB YG RG GG AF
HC CK PK RR GR AH GP CC HR AT HD KD YK KS YP RG GT DS>
How do I get past the barbed-wire fence?
<RA CT HS KM PT CT GB RB PA RT PF RH GH AG GY CP GE CH HY CQ PQ RS PB RH PR
RA HM KM YQ AQ HB CS HT KT YB KM YR RP PH CH HY AM HE KE PS RB YQ RE GC ER>
<RA CK GQ CR PY KH HH AP GQ AQ HF AS GT RT PB RH YE AE HD CT HS CT GA CF GT
RT YQ KF YP KY PA RQ YB AB HF CD GP CF PF RP PH CB YK>
<RA CG GY AH YH KG HG AA GY CQ HQ KQ YK KY HY CQ GK AC GP AA HR AT HE KE YK
KA YK AK HD AP HE AQ YQ KK YM AM GF CG GA CB HD KY SH>
<RA CC PC RH PG KR YC KK YM KE PS KF HF CF HD AP GG CY GC AR HD AP HS KS PM
RP PE RP GP AA GR CP GR CD GE CM PK SF>
How do I see in the dark?
<RA CF GC AR YR RP PH KK PS CS HM AE HP AE YP AP KM HM CT GC CF HQ AG HP KP
YM KG YH KC YB KH YP AS BT>
<RA CG GH CQ GF RF YF KG YY AY HQ CB PB RT GT AM GF AD HS AP HK AC YC KD YR
RS YT RD YF KQ GC RM YD>
<RA YT KH PP CP GA CR HG CP GY CQ GR CT HA KA YK KQ YR AY GH RH YC KA YF RM
GM CF GC AK HH AM HE KE YG KY YF RF PG RT PF KS HP QP>
<RA CD GR AH GY CG GT RR GR CK PK RH PE KS YT AT HA AF YF RM PY RG GG CR HA
CP GQ RQ PY KC HC CH GT AQ GE CG PD SY>
<RA YK RP PD CD GR CQ PQ KE YG KY HY AM HQ AR HC KE HE YH RR PQ CD HB KB YC
RR HM FD>
<RA CD GR AH GY CG GT RT YS KY HY CH GF CQ PQ RH PG RA YA KT YD AY DK>
How do I catch a mouse?
<RA AT HH CP PP RQ PM KD YT AT GS CY PY KC YK RA GA CC PC KR PG RH YH AB
<RA AT HH CP PK RB PK CK GM CE GM CF PF KS YY KE YM AM HB AT HA CK PM FM>
<RA CP GQ CF GQ AB HS KS YK RG GG CH PH KK YQ KE YM KK PA CG HK KK YY KP PR
RM YE RS PK KA YR AR HQ AY HA AY HF AQ YR CC>
<RA AA HC CR GD CT GG CK GC RC PB KQ HQ AM YM RD PR KG PP KH YP AS DR>
How do I open Xam's mailbox?
<RA CT PF RP GP AA GR AG HY KY PQ RK YC AH HM AH YH RC PAY KY YE AE GQ CK
PK KA YB KC PY CY GS CP GH RB MM>
<RA AP GG AR HK AM HS AB YB RD PK RS PP RK YG AG HE AF GF AF HQ AR YR KD YY
AY GH CF GQ RQ PP RH PG KP HP AD HM KM PF RH PP CP GF CC GD CT GG AP YS QS>
<RA CK GQ CR PY KH HH AK GH CP GY CT PT KS YR KA HA AS HY CG GQ CE YR AR HE
CM HT CS PS RF PH RG PT RF PQ CQ GY AH YH KG HG AQ HY CH HY AF HQ KR SR>
<RA AG HH CK GT RT YS KR YA AA GA CD GS AF GM CP GA RA PQ RF YG AT EC>
Why does the mad gardener run away with the sack?
<RA AP HD CT GG CP HA KA YD KR YF KQ HQ AP HH KH YF KQ YM RB PD CD HR AM GE
RE PD RP PF RG PT RF HC ES>
<RA AG HE CH PH RY PS RP GK AA YA RT PH KP HP CA HR CG HG CR GD AE HM KM YG
KY HY CR GD AB HA KA YC KE HK HH>
<RA YR KQ YM KK YM KR PA RF PS RB PD CD GT CG HP CC GA CF GS CB YG TE>
<RA CB GS RS YS RE PA RY PP RC PS KK HK AA HT AS YS KD HD CF HQ AR HQ AF GD
RD PF RQ PB RT YD RE PM CM HP AD GT RT GY MK>
<RA PF RQ PD RA PR RH YY KG YP AP GG CE GM RM YB RS PP RS PB KM PT CG QT>
<RA CE GH CM PM RP YA AA HC KC PH RT PG RP PH KK YY RG PQ CQ GG AY HA CY GQ
CB GT CG HP KS EQ>
How do I get the oil?
<RA CT HS KS YT KH YP RA PF CT HS KS YF RQ YE AE HF AA GT RT PA RP PH CH HC
AB GD CK PK RT PD CY FY>
<RA AG HH CY GG AR YR KD PE CE GF CA PA RR YS RS PD RY PH RE PC RH GH CR GM
CG GB CD GR AC GB RK GE ES>
<RA PR KH PH RP PA RT PB RK PB KC HC CH GF CQ GR RR PD KB HE CD PD RE PA RD
PB CH SK>
<RA CK GQ CR PY KH HH AK HC KC YR KA YF RS PB AY YY KG PE KE YF KA YK AK GS
CY HG CR PR RS PY KA YT RP PD RY YC AE QG>
<RA CH HK AC HK CF GQ RQ YE KG YY AY GC CF GY AG GP CM GR CQ PR SE>
How do I repair the canoe?
<RA CC PC RS PK KA PK RB PS CS HF CM GP CR GP RP PF RG PA RB YD AD HB AG YG
RP PQ RF GF AM GB CC GY CT PG GR>
<RA CE HS KS PS RB YM KY YP RP YA AA HC KC YS KD PF RT PD KF HF AD GT CG GA
<RA AT HH CP HC KC YG KY YG RP GP CF GE AH YG KT YQ KC YK KG PP CE PE RS YB
RD GD AB HA AR YR KG PY RD PQ CQ HD AP HS KM PF CA MY>
<RA AA GR AC YC RR PS RB GB CM HE AC HH KH YE KC HC CR GS CB PB KQ YK KG YD
AD HP CC PC KK PG RY GY CP PP RF PC KK PG RY GD YK>
How do I get past the mound of dirt?
<RA CP GD CC GK RK PQ RR GT RT PR RM PR KH YP KS HS CB HB KT SR>
<RA CT PF RP GP AA GR AG HY KY PQ RK YC AC HY AP HS KS PM RR YG KM HM CP GD
AT GQ RQ YD KS PK CK GQ AF GM RM PR RP GP AG HE AH GR RR PM RK PC CE EG>
<RA AK HD AR GH RH PE KD HD AS YS RM PY RS PC RK GK CM GE AB YB KQ YM KK HK
AQ HS KS PM RR YG KM PT CG SS>
<RA CR GB AB GD AR YR RC PT RD GD CE GF CA PA RE PT CT HF AC GP CF HS KS YY
KD PB RG GG AP HQ AF YF KP YD RT PG RP GP CD GM RM PF RG YR RC GE SQ>
How do I reach the chandelier?
<RA AA HR CG GE CF HF CS PS KK YQ RF GT AQ HF KF YA KE PQ CQ HM CE GH AY HG
KG PK KC YB RD PT RS GS AT HH KH PY RM PP KA HA CK GR AH HS KP DP>
<RA CT HS KM PT CT GG CB PB KS PF RQ GQ CS GB CS GC CB GH CC PC RG PQ KF PS
RR PA RK GM YK>
<RA AG HE AF GM RM PF RC GC AB HG CY PY RG YE RE PM RT YS CY PY GP RP PR RT
PH RT PS CS GY CK PK RS PT RD PS KF GC AS>
<RA CH GM CR GM CF PF KM YY KG HG AQ HY AA GY CP HC CB PH CS CR>
<RA AT HH CP PK RB PK CK GY CQ GR CC PC KB YG RY GY CC GA CF PF KS PM RP PF
CF GE AS HY CG GT CS PP SR>
What do I do in the bakery?
<RA CR GB AB HK AQ GY RY YQ KK PC KP PA RR PT RE GE AM GT CD GM AE HP AE GH
<RA CC HP AH YH RE PA KR HR CA HA KA PK RQ GQ AE HG AY YY KB YG KR GM DB>
<RA AK HD AT GQ CF PT KM HM AK HQ KQ YP KY PA RS GS CK GM RM PQ KB YP KM YK
KP HE KE YH RR GR AC HT AD GF CQ YK SM>
<RA CC HY AT YT RS PR RA GA CY GP CB GS AE YE KT YH RK GK AA HB AS YS KG YB
KM HK YH>
What do I do in the bakery kitchen?
<RA AK HD AT GQ CF PT KM HM CT GH CQ GF AM HY AQ HR AY YY RK PC KP PM CM HD
AS HC CK GR CG GQ CF PF RM PR KY YD AD GB CA GR AG HY KD KA>
<RA AT HH CP PP RF PE KH HH AF HE CT GD RD YB KG HG CK GS CQ HE KE YF AF HB
AS GM RM PP RG PY RP YA AF MB>
<RA YP KM YE RT PD CD HB AA HR KR YP KE YA RR YG AT YR>
How do I get back out past the baker?
<RA CY GP CB GS RS YT KC YK AK HH CK GC CA GK RB GB CT HM KM YY KG HG AH GR
CF GQ CE PE KH YT RD GD AB HG KT AG>
<RA CK GQ CR PY KH HH AK HR AF HQ KQ PE RG PY CY GA AY HG AH HY KY YP RA GA
CB GS RS PD KE YK KC YR AR GD CP HH KH PY RS GP EG>
<RA AK HD AT GQ CF PT KM HM CT GH CQ GF RF YS RS PD KF YQ AQ GT CH GT CK PK
RS PP CP HG AE HM KM YB KT YY KQ YR KY HY CH GE CC PE YS>
<RA CY GP CB GS RS YT KC YK AK HG AE HF CD GC RC YH KE PQ RP GP AG HE AM YM
KB PM RE PF RM GK SB>
How do I get rid of the postmistress?
<RA AK HD AT GQ CF PF RE YS KB HB AH HT KT PS KM YR AR GY CP HM CT PT RB PM
RR YA RK GK AA HB AC GY RD GG KT>
<RA AG HY AF HY KF HF AE HD CB HS AD HA AD GR RR YC KT YD RF PQ CQ GM AB HS
<RA CP GD CC GK RK PQ RR GT RT YT RD YB AB HT KT PM RR PH RS GS CK GM RM PP
KG HT DQ>
<RA AG HE AF GM RS YF AF GS CA GC CS GC RS GS CQ HF CD HF CG PG RH PB RD GD
AE GQ CY GK CY YS FQ>
<RA AA GR AC YC RR PS RB GB AQ HK AG HD KD YR KQ HQ CE GG CY PY RA PR RT PR
CR GM AB YB RQ PP RD YQ AQ GE CG GY RT YC>
<RA YA KE PD KB YR KD PE KQ PT RD YE RD GD AB HA AR YR KB YG RY YC KK HM
How do I crack the safe?
<RA AT HH CP PP RS PB RS PT CT HS AY YY KM YQ KR YC KS YB AB HC CR PR RH PT
KQ PT RD PE KQ YG RF GA RQ AG>
<RA CC HP AH YH RE PA KR HR AY HG CP HG AF HA AG YG KH YM KH HH CY GM CP HA
KA YK KQ PD RY HS YC>
<RA AT HH CP PK RB PK CK GG CQ GK CG GD RD YB KA YT RM GM CR GQ CF PY CY GQ
CS PS KK YQ RF GT AQ HF KF PT RA YP KH HB HF>
<RA AK HD AT GA RA YP KY PQ CQ GK CM GE RE PG RH YR AR HD AY HK AB GS CB GH
CR GA RA PC KR HR CC GT CD PD KB YG RG HD KG CE>
<RA PY KG PP CP GY AA HR KR PC RT PD KR HR CG GF CT GC AR PM YM>
How do I put out the pub fire?
<RA CK GQ RQ CY PY RM PQ KS YB AB GD CP PP KA PA RR PT RR GR CD HB KB YG RY
YH CT AT>
<RA AA HR CG GE CF HF CS PS KM YE AB GM CE PE RH PB CB GF CC HP KP YY AY HC
AF HY AH YH RR YR KA YD KA GE PE>
<RA CH HK AC HK CF GQ RQ PY KH HB SD>
How do I get into the clockmaker's shop?
<RA AK GH AE YE KK YM KR YH KS YK KM YS AS HY AD YD RB PA RR GR CC GF CC HP
<RA CB GT AE HM KM YQ AQ HG AB HG AD YD RB PA KY YS RB PE RG GG AP HQ AF YF
RT PA RF PM RR YY AD TY>
<RA AA HR CG GE CF HF CS PS KK YQ RF CF AS HR AM GE CP GG RG YP KQ PT RH YC
AC GB CG HY CA PA KG YY KQ YD KK PA CA GC AP HD CT GG CP YD AY>
<RA AK HS AA HT AG HA KA YT RM GM CP GF AF HC CP HG AH HB CD PY CY RP PR KC
YK RH GH CG GQ CG PQ CA BY>
<RA PB RS CS CK HG KG YH AH HR AT HH AR HF AP HY AT HD CF PA FK>
<RA CQ GR CM GT CY PY RS PP CP HG AE HM KM YF KC YF RD GD AB HA AR HQ KQ PE
RG YR KM PS CS PH DH>
<RA YP KD YC KK PA RB PC RE PB CB GT AS YS RT PC RK GK CB GT CK HK KM KD>
How do I reach the girder?
<RA CT HS KM PT CT GB RB PM RP YG AG HB AF YF KE HE AD HA AT HK AH YB RY>
<RA AA HR CG GE CF HF CS PS RD GD CA GC CR GC CK HH KH PC RF YQ KG YP AP HQ
AF HY CY YS HR>
How do I climb the ladder?
<RA CF GC AH YM AM HP AR YR KD PB CB HE AM GB CS PS KB PB KQ YY KH YP AP HG
AB GE CC PS CS GA CC HB AM HE KE YH RY GY AR HM CE GP CG PD QF>
<RA PB RS PC KC HE KE CQ GP CH GB RB PT RF PE RH PB CK PK RT PB KC YP KH HH
AB HG CP PS EC>
<RA AA HR CG GE CF HF CS PS KK YQ RF GF AS HR AM GE CP GG RG YP KQ YY KD YG
AG HB AH YH KG HG AE HH AC HT AD GF RF PY RG YC KK YB CG CQ>
<RA CG GY AH YH KT YG AG GP CQ GF RF YS RT PH RT PR CT PT KS YR KA YF AF GG
CB HS KS YF KE YC AC GP CH GG CK GD RY PM>
What do I do with the weathermen?
<RA CB GG CQ GE RE PA RF GY RY PP KC YK AK GS CY HG KG PK KC PP RH GH CG GR
CM HE CQ PQ KE YG KF PS AY FH>
<RA CC PC RY PM RQ PR RY PG CG GF CA PA KK YD KT HT CF GQ CM HF AH HP CC PC
RD PS KK HK CA GC CM GE RE YH KT PD CD GF AG YG RK YC RP YP RC PB KQ YF AA
<RA CC PC KY YM KR PG KP HP CA HA AR HT AR YR KM YD AD GF CE GH CB PB RR PD
RQ PP KG HG AE HM AH GH RB CA>
<RA CB GG CQ GE RE PA RF GF AM HR KR YK AK GP CH GG AP HQ AF GD CC GA CF PF
RE PC RR GR CH GF CE GC CH GP RP YG KE YM AM GS CB GT AS HR AA GY RD CD>
What do I do with the cloud?
<RA CT GE RE YQ KP YH RK PC CC HH AP GC CK PK RM PP RS PB CK PK CE YS>
<RA YT KH PP CK GA RA YA RY PS RE PF RD PA KT HT AY HD AP GK RK YP KQ YF RD
PT CT HA AE GM RS PT CT GQ CF PA DM>
<RA CP GD CC GK RK PQ RR GT RT YT RD YB AB GQ CK GT CD PD RA PT RE PM CM GP
CS HT AH YH RY PM RE GE AD HR CC HK AR GC CB GG CT PG GR>
<RA CC GE CH GQ CM HF AQ YQ KY PH CB PM>
<RA CH GT AQ YQ KM HM CB GS AT GD AF HA KA YM KR PA KY YD KT PA CD PD RE PA
RE PP CP GM AF YF KM YR RY PD CY DA>
How do I get the train ticket?
<RA AT HH CP PK RB PK CK GM CE GM CF PF KM PS RY GY CK GC AP HK CG PT CT PY
<RA CY GG RG PK RR YG KY YK RC PS CS HT AC HF CQ GD CK PB CB HD AK HC CP GH
RH CG KR AA YA KE YC KS PK CK HA AB GM CE GM RK YD>
<RA AK HD AR GH RH PT RG PY CY HR AD HA AD YD KA YR KK YA AA GT CH HP KP YY
AY HE AM GB AM GP RP PG RH PB RQ PF CA KF>
<RA AT HH CP PK RB PK CK GM CE GM CF PF KM YR AR HG AY YY KEY YA RY PG CG
GY CD HB AS GE AQ HM AP HS AK HM AS YP RS>
<RA CY HG CK GE CH GB CE PE RH YR AR HQ AK GA RA PC RS PC RF YT KD YB AB YR
AR YF PA>
<RA PB RG YA KR PP RH YK AB YB HC KC YR KM PE RS YT AT GS CR GK AA YA RG PF
RY PF CF HS CT GH AH YH RE PA KR HQ RE>
Why do I keep falling off the train roof?
<RA AA HR CG GE CF HF CS PS RK PY CY HQ AK GC RC YH KP PC RK GK CS GP AA HT
AS HB KB PD RK PC CC HR CG GH CE GC KF SD>
<RA CH GG AR HA KS YT KH YY KR YD KY YR AR HD CE PE RF GF AD HR CH GS AK YK
KH PP KA YT KG YY RC YY AD KA>
<RA CK GQ RQ PY KH HH AM HE AB HT AR HT CA PA CB HE AM HH AM YM KQ YG KM YR
RH YY AQ YG AG HF CM PS KF HF AB HT CQ PQ KB YT KE YM RB GH RM>
How do I catch the train?
<RA CT GE RE YH KT PD CQ HT AD YD RS YB KC YY KT HR KR PD RP YH AH HQ AM GP
RP PT KD PE KQ HQ AH HG AD HT KT YA RK GM TH>
<RA AK GH AE YE RS YB KH YB KC YE KB HB AT HE CQ GF AD YD KR PC CE FE>
How do I cross the precipice to the castle?
<RA CT HS KS YA KC PB CB GM CE PE RF GF CB GK CS GM CY HH KH YT KE HE AT HB
AH HR CD PA CA GY AG GP RP PM KF HF AT HD CB HQ KQ PT RD YE RM PH KY PC CE
<RA CC PC RP YC KK YR RC PT CT GH CA PA RD PR RP PH CM PM RQ GQ CH HE CQ GP
CM GT CB GK RE PC>
<RA PY RG PH KR PC CC PD CD HB AA HC CR PY KC HC AA HD AA YA KT PS CS HT AB
HP AH GR RQ SR>
<RA AP HY AH HY AF HQ KQ PF KF HY KY YP KS YT AT GA CE HM KS PE RM GM AB HS
AD HB CC PC KR YM AM HS AY YD EB>
<RA CC GE CH GQ CM HF AQ YQ RE PG RY GY AG HT AA HP AD GF CA PF QD>
How do I get past the goaler?
<RA AK GH CP GY CH PH KC YA RY PQ RG YF AA AH>
<RA AA HR CG GE CF HF CS PS KT YC KK PH RP GK AG YG RK PQ RH PP KG YE KH YB
KE HE AF HB AG HB CD YP RS>
How do I get out of the cell?
<RA AT HH CP PP RS PB RS PT CT HS AY YY KM YQ RE PD RK GK CR GQ RQ PF KS YF
KE PE RM GC AC>
<RA YA KD YS KP GB RB PC KR HY CC PC RG PB RG PP CP GR CM HB KB PD RK PQ KF
YT KC PR CQ YE>
<RA CR HH AR HK CK GC RC PB KQ HQ CY GS AB GM RM PB KS PE RC PB RH PC CC GR
CA HP AM GB CS PP KS>
<RA AK HD AT GQ CF PT KM HM AK HQ KQ PE RH PQ RF GF CB GG AR YR KC YK KB YT
RA GF RF CC HP KP YM RT GT AS HR AA GY CG YB MH>
<RA AR GH CP PP KG YE KM HM AT HB AH HY AF HQ KQ PE RA GA CY HG CR GQ RQ YE
KG YY AY GA CE HE AM YK BK>
How do I open the dome?
<RA CT HS KM PT CT GK CR GY CQ GB RK GK CH HP CG PG RT PH KY HY AQ HR KR PC
RT PD CD GC AB GQ AE HH AR HK AB YB RQ PF RA YP HK HB CM>
<RA CT HS KM HY KM HM AQ HG AQ YQ KM YF KM HM CE HE KE YH KA HA CT GH AP YP
RG PE RH PB RP GP CY GA CE HM CF PF RG YP AS MR>
<RA AT HH CP PP RS PB RS PT CT HS AY YY KK YQ RT PK CK GR RR PB RT PF RG PK
CK HG CH HP AY GA CR PQ BP>
Why do I keep going through the wrong door?
<RA CY GG CK GR AA GP CH PH KE YA RR GR AY HG CR GA CF PT KS HS AC GK CG GD
AR YR KA YF KC PK RP PQ CR GE>
Why does the witch always catch me when I walk into her chamber?
<RA CY GG CK GR AA GP CH PH KR YS KB HB CE GF AS YS KK YM AM GF CH GP RP YC
KF YC KD HY PH>
<RA AP HQ AF YF KA YR KA YK RG GG AP HD KD YF KQ HQ AK HG AK GC AC HB AS HT
KT YD KA PP RH YC KT YD RF PQ CR FT>
<RA AY HG CK GG AY HQ AR HY KY CM GQ CH PH RQ PY RR PS KT HT AC HK AB GB RH
How do I kill the witch?
<RA AK HD AT YT KE PM KF PQ KT YD AD HR CH PH KP YS KF YQ RT YS KD YR KQ HR
<RA AT HH CP PK RB PK CK GM CE GM CF PF RE PP RE GE AH HT CD HF KF YS KR YK
RH PQ CR DQ>
<RA AK HD AS GT RF YS AS HD AA HD KD PR RM YE AB GM CE PE RB PG RF PA RG GG
AP HD KD YQ KF PM CK CK>
I've finished the game but I don't have a full score, why?
<RA AT HH CP PP RF PE KH HH AF HE CT GD RD PC RB YQ RB PS RT GT CB PB KB PS
KG PS RC PK CK HG AB HR AA GG CE GM AB HS KP MG>
Presented by Sewersoft and DR.J
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