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In the late 1670’s a brilliant medical student diagnosed a dangerous medical condition called “Nostalgia”. (Nostos=returning, algos=longing). The main symptom of this debilitating disease is the deterioration of the logical side of the victim’s brain, thereby instilling a sense of overwhelming connection to a place, person or a videogame. The disease tricks the victim into retrospectively viewing a particular thing as being absolutely awesome – when, realistically, it’s absolutely…crap. Nostalgia is an evil virus that has continued unchecked throughout the centuries and it is with great shame that I stand up among you, in this digital circle of faces, and say “Hi, my name is Bob and I am a Nostalgiholic”.
You see, Crazy Cars was THE first ever Amiga game that I played, and loved, as an excited gamer youngling. I played it again and again and, in my delusional little brain, I thought it was the equivalent of Gran Turismo 4. Well, as part of the 12-step Nostalgia recovery program, I have to confront and re-evaluate my gaming past. So let the healing begin…
Crazy cars is a racing game that was knocked out by three guys (two of them related) and although it was semi-acceptable for it’s time, it is pretty damn ordinary today. The basic premise of the game is to race through 6 “challenges”, beat the 95 second time limit, unlock a “crazier” car (4 in total) and finish the game. Let’s do the math; 6 challenges x 95 seconds x 4 crazy cars= 38 minutes of your life wasted (maybe 45 minutes if you include load times).
The AI in this game can be best described as stupid and annoying. They’re stupid in the sense that they randomly skitter across the road oblivious to your very existence (must have based it on elderly Volvo drivers). They’re annoying because if you manage to hit one, they wipe off half your speed and every car you passed previously smashes into you again, slowing you down even more, thus continuing the cycle of punishment. It’s not uncommon to meticulously overtake ten cars only to hit one and get shafted by all ten again. Frustration, thy name is Crazy cars.
The game does however have quite a decent sense of speed and the inclusion of some killer bumps in the road can send you flying with ten metres worth of air. Which in retrospect was actually kinda fun….awesome actually….. excuse me, I need to up my medication...
In the graphics department, aside from the poorly scanned (but impressive for 1988) image of a Ferrari, the game looks rather standard. While the in game scenery isn’t exactly Monet inspired (the main inspiration seems to be the spray-paint tool in deluxe paint, actually) it is quite colourful and the palette diversifies from level to level, which gives the illusion of progress. The cars are well drawn, even if they are only ever seen from behind and there are only four different types. It should be remarked that the game does finish up with a good end graphic too, assuming you’re masochistic enough to reach that phase of the game.
The audio is comprised solely of a gurgling engine sample that, while not being completely offensive, isn’t the most pleasant thing to listen to for 38 minutes. The crazy cars on offer are a Lamborghini, Mercedes, Porsche and a Ferrari, all of which use the exact same sound sample (different gear ratios though). The only other sound you’ll hear in Crazy cars is at the title screen, it’s an endless 15 second loop of a wannabe ZZ top guitar solo.
In conclusion, Crazy cars is a terrible game, past and present. If there are other gamers out there that have fond memories of this game, you are living in a dream world filled with dodgy AI, frustrating game play and elves in lollipop houses.
Gamers everywhere should be made aware of the Nostalgia condition and know that the threat is real (it’s possible to contract it via unprotected internet use) and you aren’t powerless against its self destructive cycle. It can be overcome, but the first step is to admit you have a problem.
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Not bad, but certainly not good.
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Irritating engine noises will assail your delicate ears for 38 minutes.
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Picture a highway full of elderly drivers who tag team you when you hit one of their cars. That's this game in a nutshell.
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| I swear I will never play this game again. Not even when I'm drunk. |
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Get Amiga Forever with pre-installed Workbench, games, applications, and much more.
It also contains the original Amiga ROM-files, 100% legally!
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