“I cursed my luck again as I slid down the monkey’s throat. Have my dreams of guzzling grog and plundering galleons been reduced to this? ‘Three small trials and you’re a pirate like us’, they said. Fair enough. If only I could stomach the foul brew these scurvy seadogs swilled, the rest would be easy. How could I have known I’d meet a powerful and beautiful woman with a jealous suitor too stupid to realize he’d been dead for years? And how can I crawl through this great stone monkey to find a man who walks three inches above the ground and sets fire to his beard every morning?” – Excerpt from “The Memoirs of Guybrush Threepwood, the Monkey Island Years.”

So, Happy Birthday, Mr. Threepwood and congratulations to the 30th anniversary of “The Secret of Monkey Island”! Unfortunately, it may be a little late for congrats – supposedly the cult adventure par excellence was released on October 15, 1990 – and while I’m writing these lines that date has already passed. In fact, that only applies to the PC CGA/EGA original, but this review is about the Amiga version of the game, which was released in the following year. Well, looked at that way, I’m even ahead of schedule!

As for me, I’ve set sail to Monkey Island™ not until September 1991, because of lack of an 1 MB memory expansion, and that’s also the reason for my delayed “Lotus Esprit Turbo Challenge” experience. By the way one of the best racing titles of all time, though the sequel was better in pretty much every way - “but I digress…”, as Captain Smirk would say.

So, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty…


The Story of the Youth Who Went Forth to Become a Mighty Pirate
“Hi! My name’s Guybrush Threepwood, and I want to be a pirate!” – Guybrush Threepwood (oh, really?)

Together with the words “That's one small step for [a] man, one giant leap for mankind” by Neil Armstrong or John F. Kennedy’s “Ich bin ein Berliner”, Guybrush’s opening sentence belongs without doubt to the most famous quotes in modern history! Anyway, such a desired career is truly a bold whish! But then again, other people want to become floor inspectors – how barbaric! So, being a swashbuckler is quite legitimate. However, the social manners on Mêlée Island™ aren’t (as the name suggests). No wonder, because this island is the hot spot for pirates in the Caribbean; in such a place brawling and boozy sessions, bragging and insults are the order of the day… and Guybrush was washed up on the very shores of that buccaneers den…
 
Unfortunately, nothing’s free in life, that’s the plain truth. To become a notorious, fearsome pirate, he must face three trials given by the local pirate leaders, namely:

1. “The Breath of God”
2. “The Word of God”
3. “The Path of God”

…oh no, wait, those were the challenges for the man with the hat (you know whom I mean). Here are the ones for the guy who’s able to hold his breath for ten minutes:

1. Seeking out and defeating the Sword Master
2. Stealing the “Idol of Many Hands” from the Governor’s mansion
3. Finding the “Legendary Lost Treasure of Mêlée Island™"

As you can see, not exactly the easiest tasks to master. Fortunately, the many citizens of Mêlée that cross your path are very friendly and helpful people, aren’t they? Well, partly; the local general dealer for example is a real grouch, extremely unfriendly and moody. Unfortunately, he’s the only person in town who knows the whereabouts of the (female) Sword Master.

Another “friendly” character is the cook at the “SCUMM” bar, who permanently prevents us from entering the kitchen – what the hell he is thinking? Next on the list is Captain Smirk, Mêlée Island’s™ Number One fencing coach, who somehow reminds me of Hollywood actor Stephen Lang (“Last Exit to Brooklyn”, “The Hard Way”, “Avatar”). Actually he should teach us the art of swordplay, albeit without much success. Very disappointing, isn’t it? After all, the fee is 30 pieces of eight; sounds like another way to pour your money down the drain?! Well, not at all, instead of that, the good Captain reveals us the true secret of sword fighting: Disgraceful insults! Sometimes, a sharp tongue can do much more damage than the sharpest blade – besides, “Any fool pirate can swing a sharp piece of metal around and hope to cut something…”

Also the secretive “parrot man”, who’s in possession of a very important (?) map, isn’t a very talkative person. Anyway, without doubt, Sheriff Fester Shinetop is the worst citizen of Mêlée: Right after Guybrush’s first encounter with the constantly bad-tempered “guardian of the law” (which, by the way, appropriately takes place in a dark, deserted alley), it’s absolutely clear that this isn’t the beginning of a beautiful friendship! But what’s even worse; later in the adventure Fester turns out to be the evil Ghost Pirate LeChuck – the Sheriff was nothing else than a fake, a human disguise, used by the mighty undead in order to keep the local pirates under control! Of course, LeChuck is the main antagonist of the game (and the following ones), furthermore, he’s Guybrush’s rival in love… I beg your pardon? C’mon, did you really believe the story about the innocent boy who wants to become a fireman… er, pirate? Dream on!


"Bet She’s Not Your Girlfriend"
“I’ve wanted to meet you ever since I heard your fascinating name.” - Elaine Marley

…and here it is, the one and only reason why young Guybrush is willing to take such high risks: A woman (of course)! Such love interest appears in the form of Scarlett O’Hara… um, Elaine Marley, Governor of Mêlée (and Booty as well as Plunder, as we’ll find out in “Le Chuck’s Revenge” and “The Curse of Monkey Island”). During his efforts to fulfil the three trials - to be more precisely, during the robbery of the “Idol of Many Hands” – Guybrush and Elaine have their first fateful encounter inside the Governor’s mansion, after she gave Sheriff Shinetop a good bollocking – wow, what a hottie! After poor Fester has left the building, Ms. Marley tries to start a conversation with our wannabe pirate. Unfortunately, Guybrush is unable to return her advances, because when he tries to put a sentence together he can’t find the right words (“Um…”, “Blfft…”, “Bgglw!”).

Actually, Mêlée Island™ has a bunch of service providers and establishments, such as the mysterious Voodoo Lady, who can foretell the future, the general dealer, the shrewd Stan S. Stanman, a used ships salesman, the above-mentioned fencing coach Captain Smirk, the two “Amazing, Adventurous, Acrobatic and Exceedingly Well-Known, Fabulous, Flying Fettucini Brothers”, Alfredo and Bill, at the local circus and last, but not least, “cannonball-head” Meathook on the “Fabulous Hook Isle”, who’s performing his amazing tattoo trick… and don’t forget the extortionate “Bridge Troll”!

However, there’s no proven expert in love affairs, who could lend Guybrush a hand… where’s Larry Laffer when you need him? Don’t worry; sooner or later the charming Elaine and our hero will become a love couple, anyway. But as we all know, life’s unfair; before the two could take each other in their arms, suddenly killjoy LeChuck kidnaps the Governor and takes her to the mysterious Monkey Island™. Certainly, Guybrush wants to take up pursuit immediately; after all, he’s now a government-approved, full-fledged pirate, who has mastered all of the three trials (whereas the “loot” is nothing more than some merchandise articles to beat the drum for Mêlée Island™ and “a fabulous doorstop” respectively). Well, tell me Mr. Threepwood, what good is it to be a swashbuckler if you have neither a ship nor a crew? So, in order to follow LeChuck, Guybrush needs a vessel and, of course, a motivated team…


“A Cook is only as good as his Ingredients…”
“Through the courageous leadership of Captain Freep – er –Threepwood, the Sea Monkey is finally underway. Undaunted by their lack of navigational equipment or expertise, the crew begins to plan their voyage.” – Narrator

Act II: After sealing a deal (a rather dubious one) at “Stan's Previously Owned Vessels”, Guybrush and his newly found “friends” Otis, Carla and Meathook are ready to set course for Monkey Island™ - on board the proud “Sea Monkey”, supposedly the only ship ever to make it to LeChuck’s new domicile of choice. Actually, advantageous conditions for such a bold enterprise, nevertheless it takes more than that to find a place uncharted on any map… how about good old voodoo magic; more precisely, a “delicious” soup? Well, cooking the potage is no prob - after all, the “Sea Monkey” contains a luxurious kitchen in “Willy Beamish” style (really!) – getting hold of the required (sometimes very exotic) ingredients is the real trouble, because most of them you won’t find in their natural shape. An example: Usually, human skulls are buried deep underground (Guybrush’s Lucasfilm Games colleague Indiana Jones can tell you a thing or two about it; do you remember the catacombs below Venice in “The Last Crusade”?). However, in “Monkey Island” again, such a thing is “hidden” at the highest point of the ship, in the form of a certain black flag… get it? So, have fun with finding the remaining ingredients - he-he-he!

As you can see, the second chapter requires a kind of “thinking outside the box” in order to get in possession of the right ingredients for the essential “culinary delight”. Unfortunately, our young pirate isn’t exactly a maître cuisinier, so the finalisation of his soup results in a sudden fainting – and the realization, that Guybrush and his crew have finally reached Monkey Island™… somehow…


Monkey Island and Beyond the Infinite
“Oh my God! - it’s full of monkeys!” – Dave Bow… er, Guybrush Threepwood (yeah, really!)

…and here we are, half past three in the morning… okay, the exact time is unknown, but it’s definitely daytime (in stark contrast to the everlasting night on Mêlée; a welcome change). Whatever, the only thing that matters is that Guybrush and his dauntless team have eventually arrived at Monkey Island™! But how on earth did they manage to do this? Of course, some kind of voodoo magic, but how did it work in practise? By teleportation? A “nautical wormhole”? Maybe a parallel universe? That’s all nonsense! After all, the voodoo spell turned "the ship to an unknown heading and off on its mysterious voyage” – well, somehow boring and unspectacular - but what do I know and who cares?

After a cannonball ride (or something like that) Guybrush crash-lands on the beach of LeChuck’s self-proclaimed base of operations and - first of all - performs the famous ostrich with his head in the sand (including “smoking pants”). Next on the scene is Herman Toothrot, professional castaway and ex-member of the two-headed crew of the “Sea Monkey”. However, he’s not the only islander on Monkey Island™; apart from the cold-blooded LeChuck and his (un)dead pirates the place is populated by cannibals (thank God, those are currently on the veggie trip), a hanged (ex)captain (who’s also dead, of course) and lots of monkeys (plus a three-headed one!). But the several exotic locations are very interesting, too, such as a deep canyon, a sunlit valley with a dam, a nice viewing platform, Toothrot’s proud “fort” (well, that’s what he calls it) and last, but not least, the cannibal village. But the most fascinating attraction is without doubt the giant stone Monkey Head, which represents nothing else than a portal straight to hell!

Although Monkey Island™ is far off the beaten track, there’s an active communication in the form of memos… if only between the several islanders. These notes are spread all over the whole place. Here’s a small selection of the topics they contain:

• Nighttime disturbance because of noisy activities at the Sacred Monkey Head
• Messy sacrifices on LeChuck’s estate
• A missing “key” as well as a missing banana picker
• A stolen “voodoo antiroot” (by the way, the only effective weapon against LeChuck!)

As you can see, these are significant matters.


"Ghost of the Navigator"
“Hey, what good’s a necklace if you don’t have shoulders?” – Navigator (or what’s left of him)

As you may guess correctly, the just mentioned “voodoo antiroot” is the ultimate solution for this entire “undead pirate problem”. Unfortunately, it’s hidden right in the lion’s den, namely on board LeChuck’s ghost ship (Gulp!). There, Guybrush becomes witness of a weird world, somewhere between (real) life and (ultimate) death: On deck a band of passed away mariners plays a jolly symphony of destruction while a ghost dog listens to its creepy sounds, in the cargo hold some spectral chickens cackle like a bunch of giggling witches and their “neighbours”, two phantom pigs, squeal and wallow themselves in the invisible mud. Moreover, there’s a ghostly seaman, napping in his bunk, probably dreaming dreams of chaos and eternal darkness… fortunately, Guybrush can’t be seen by those translucent creatures because of the navigator’s magic necklace, which makes him imperceptible to them.

Oh, the navigator? In some way, an undead, too (but a good one); however, there’s not much left of him but his dried-up head. Nevertheless, he’s still a true professional in his craft, what makes him the only “person” on Monkey Island™ who’s able to lead our hero to LeChuck’s hideout in the catacombs below the isle – and what’s best, the extremely useful magic necklace around his tattered neck is a goody for free! With its help, Guybrush eventually reaches the glowing crate containing the root, opens it, takes the powerful item…and suddenly…Whoosh!!!


One Wedding and a Funeral
“You dared to come here and confront me!” – A very furious LeChuck

Blackout! In the final chapter our hero is back on Mêlée (and of course it’s night, again!), standing in front of the only church on the whole island. Inside, an unholy ceremony is in full swing; the forced wedding between the lovely Governor Elaine Marley and death defier LeChuck – what the hell…?! An undead mob in such a sacred place like this? Blasphemy! So, let’s party; just a few squirts of the “voodoo antirioot” potion and the spooky bunch falls to pieces. After that, the ultimate duel “Guybrush versus LeChuck”, living flesh and blood against undead ectoplasmic vermin, takes place – a fight to death (?) just between the two of them (‘cause the Governor has left the building, as the saying goes)…

Far above the skies of Mêlée an epic pugilism erupts - although Guybrush is the one who takes a beating. Almost at the end of his tether, one last chance to turn the tables appears in the form of a Grog Machine at “Stan’s Used Ship Emporium” that contains variants of grog and Root Beer!!! This will be LeChuck’s personal death sentence, and his destruction manifests in an impressive fireworks under the midnight stars of Mêlée Island™… watched by Guybrush and his beloved “Honey Pumpkin” Elaine… isn’t it romantic?

Without doubt, Ron Gilbert’s “The Secret of Monkey Island” belongs to the crème de la crème within the adventure genre. It’s an absolute classic… what am I saying? It’s a milestone; it’s an evergreen and one of the best “SCUMM” games for sure…

…well, at the end of my review, I realize that it’s March 07, 2021, and at least the release of the very first version of “Monkey Island” happened over 30 years ago by now. Yes, a “little” late for congrats indeed. Anyway, belated Happy Birthday, Mr. Threepwood!

“What IS the Secret of Monkey Island™?”
“Only LeChuck knows...”